Unhappy? Change your feelings and change your mind

Almost anybody can learn to think or believe or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel.~ E.E.Cummings, American poet, 1864-1962.

Did you know you can change your feelings first, then change your thoughts? It seems counterintuitive given our cultural emphasis on changing your thoughts to change your feelings. For those with an academic mindset with an emphasis on the strategic thinking capabilities of the prefrontal cortex, this idea probably seems positively weird. Yet as many psychologists will tell you, people make decisions with emotions and then justify them with their mind.

For me, the beginning of November always feels a bit…well, insipid and depressing. Maybe it’s just the dull grey weather that feels like it’s socking in for the long haul or the extended run-up to the holiday season. Sometimes the beginning of November makes me feel positively unhappy. I’d certainly rather be happy and joyful than sad and depressed. I can stay stuck in sadness, or start letting myself feel some joy. Maybe it’s by looking out the window and noticing the blue sky. Maybe it’s by listening to some happy, cheerful music. Maybe it’s by looking at some random cat video—there’s a reason why those things are so popular on YouTube!

Emotions are just another way for your body to get information about what is going on around you. If you observe your body, and the energy you experience in a given situation, you will have gone a long way towards helping yourself “get over it.” When I feel sorry for myself, my heart shrinks. My world contracts. When I feel gratitude, my heart expands, and the world feels like a place of positive possibilities. You can be a victim of your own emotions, and wallow in your pain, or you can decide to change your emotions and change your thoughts.

Simple steps for changing how you feel

Start by breathing. There is ample research supporting the idea that slowing down your breathing, and literally getting more oxygen into your brain, can help release whatever tension you may be feeling in five to ten seconds. Five to ten seconds. That’s really fast.

Next, scan your body. Maybe you find some negative emotions you identify as anger or fear. What kind of energy are you experiencing? Where in your body do you feel this?

Now that you’ve identified where you feel it, can you name the source? Is there a particular trigger? Some thought you’ve had over and over again, like, “if only I had been more articulate during that interview, I would have the perfect job now.” That’s a pretty big assumption. Even if you had gotten the job, it might not have played out the way that you imagined. A great question to ask yourself at this point is, “How do I know this is true?” Using this awareness, begin unwinding that negative thought. Notice that in reality, you are experiencing a feeling of disappointment. You are experiencing negative self-judgment. Not actual failure. Naming the emotion first lets you reframe the thought. Send yourself some positive energy and gratitude for getting the interview in the first place.

Or let’s say you just finished graduate school and you didn’t get an academic job. You can feel sorry for yourself, and stay miserable, or you can start celebrating all that you learned, the skills you’ve acquired, and move on to a happier place. Feeling happier can help you take positive action, instead of being so miserable that you are paralyzed from taking any action. Look at the situation, and see how you want to feel. Do you want to feel disappointed, unhappy, scared, or angry? Wouldn’t you rather be happy even in the face of uncertainty? Start smiling. Look for things that make you happy. They make people feel good. Let yourself remember all the good things in your life, and the positive emotions will change your thoughts, not the other way around.

Let me share an extreme example with you

In case you don’t think it’s possible to change your emotions first before changing your thoughts. A friend of mine is the mother of a missing boy. Granted, he was an adult when he went missing and had not lived at home for 10 years, but he is still her child. The police have no leads, the private detective she hired has no leads, all the people in his immediate circle of friends and family have no idea what happened. There is no sign of him on the video at the store he was heading. You wouldn’t think it would be possible to simply vanish like this in our modern days of surveillance. But he did.

My friend has been through the entire gamut of emotions, from fear to hope and back to despair. It’s been months now, and no new developments. At first, she could hardly sleep and was so upset she could not concentrate on anything. Still, there were other things that had to be done to keep the rest of her family intact. There is a daughter living at home. Meals still had to be made. Clothes washed. Money earned. Gradually, she realized she needed work for distraction. Working helped keep the negative emotions at bay. As soon as she allowed herself to stop, all the horrible feelings surfaced again. She felt like she was a failure as a mother, that her whole life was a failure. Her emotions were driving bad thoughts, creating a negative spiral.

She began to realize that she was wallowing in her pain. And other people were starting to avoid her. She started to reevaluate the situation. After several months, there was nothing she could control except her own attitude. She literally and figurative took a deep breath and made a conscious decision to feel better. Every few days, she would list the things she was grateful for in her life. A loving husband. A daughter succeeding in high school. Sunrise. Music. The kindness of friends and strangers. Sunset. Her emotions shifted and so did her thoughts. Yes, it can still be a bit of a roller coaster ride, but allowing herself to feel good frees her from miserable imprisoning thoughts

Here’s how she put it to me: “I don’t know when I will find out what happened to my son, the situation is not in my control. So, I can be miserable about his disappearance for the rest of my life. Or I can be happy with my life the way it is.”

If you absolutely cannot change your emotions from sadness, disappointment, or a sense of helplessness, then it’s time to get some professional help. Depression is a real chemical condition and I would never suggest otherwise. However, if you are someone that is more naturally buoyant and happy, then learning how to change your emotions to change your thoughts can be quite helpful. You might just find the world looks like a place of greater possibility than you thought before.

[1] For those of you who think this poet’s name should be written e e cummings, please note this was an editor’s decision for a book cover. Not his actual preference, or how he signed his own name.

Tags: academia, attitude, change, confidence, happiness, healthy versus dysfunctional, letting go