Nine tips to grieve your coronavirus losses before moving on

It is perfectly okay to admit you’re not okay.” – Unknown.

In the face of the pandemic, I think it is important to give yourself permission to grieve your coronavirus losses before moving on. Whether or not someone you know has become ill, or even died, we have all lost something enormous: our way of life from before the world as we know it changed completely in the face of COVID-19. Much of our attention has been focused on the “How to…” aspect of the crisis, from social distancing, working from home, or putting classes imperfectly online in a hurry. We are suddenly piled on top of our closest relatives inside limited space. Along with all the other pressures we are often irritable. And sad. We haven’t necessarily immediately noticed our profound sense of grief. Below is some advice on coping with this less visible aspect of the pandemic.

I am sad. I’m not truly depressed so far, as I work hard to maintain a more-or-less regular routine. I am in the fortunate position of having a home office, and coaching work that has been virtual from the beginning of my practice via telephone and video conference. I can’t work out at the gym but Zoom classes with my regular yoga instructor are happening. I’ve increased the amount I bike each week. I am doing a lot more gardening, well, at least a lot more weeding and trimming and deadheading. I’m trying hard to eat right even though I cannot get the usual fresh vegetables and fruit that were the biggest part of my diet before Stay-At-Home orders came down. I spend a little time writing every day.

Despite this, I feel a profound loss in losing the normal day-to-day activities. The list is long: Chatting with acquaintances at the gym. Checking in with class members before and after study group meetings. Going to dinner with friends at cafés. Attending services with others to connect with my spiritual life. Walking on the beach to put my troubles in perspective. Heading to the theater for movies or live performances as a member of an appreciative audience. Shopping wherever and whenever I please, not just being limited to pharmacy and grocery store runs. Stopping to have coffee and relax by people watching. Having conversations with my spouse about “What happened to you today?” are now limited to “Did you read anything interesting today?” Nothing is the same, and the change seemed to come in the blink of an eye.

We need to grieve these losses now. We need to acknowledge that once the worst damage of this virus is over, the world will never be the same. It’s extraordinarily difficult to predict what might happen in higher education, though the majority of the forecasts center around increased numbers of online courses no matter the size of the educational institution, even fewer professors attaining the coveted golden tenure ring, and ever more adjuncts and contract employees operating on the economic margins as the bulk of the teaching force. Many institutions expect a decrease in enrollment due to economic hardship. There will be smaller institutions that will shut down, unable to weather this horrendous storm, leaving ever fewer full-time academic positions.

David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief (2019), sums up a healthy grieving process for an individual as releasing pain, remembering love, and finding meaning after loss. I am not suggesting the grief I am feeling is akin to the death of a loved one. I’ve been through that, and it is much, much, much more severe than what I am talking about here. I feel profoundly for anyone that is dealing with the death of someone close to them in this time of social distancing and isolation.

On the other hand, I really believe it’s important to acknowledge whatever form of grief you are personally experiencing right now. Cut yourself some slack if you feel sad, cannot concentrate on planning, or are unable to execute only the shortest and most immediate projects. You are not alone, and it’s a bit implausible to think you will be able to concentrate easily on writing that article, finishing that book, or preparing your Fall syllabus when you now have children at home to educate, partners or yourself in economic crises, or parents that need more tending now than ever before.

We don’t know when this pandemic will end or what the world will look like when it does. And we cannot even say, “It’s the new normal,” because until the virus is somehow under control, there cannot be a new normal. There is a zeitgeist of collective grief surrounding us. And it’s weighing us all down. It’s not just all the restrictions we are facing at this moment in time. It’s the weight of worry about economic uncertainty, the loss of human connection, the genuine fear for what the future might bring, including another wave of virus-related loss. We are also increasingly restless to see the end in sight, and governments are already moving to reboot the economy. Best guesses predict a slow and rolling return to work in waves with particular metrics attained and protective procedures in place.

In the meantime, here are some suggestions for weathering this invisible storm:

Begin by controlling the things you can control. Wash your hands. Wear a mask when out in public. Pay attention to safety first.
Let go of what you cannot control. It’s not your job to hold up the entire world. Just yourself, and your own little corner of it. Do what you can to stay with some kind of regular routine, including eating, sleeping, and exercising. Yes, that is the old normal and you may have to find a new way to do it. It’s worth the effort.
Be here now. Breathe in deeply and breathe out slowly. Notice your immediate physical surroundings. Ground yourself by touching your desk, your computer keys, looking out your window, opening your physical books, drinking from your water glass. Notice the physical sensations. Take your shoes off and wiggle your toes into the carpet or slide them along the wood floor. Engage this thought: “At this moment in time, right now, I am OK.”
Balance the negative images in your mind with positive ones. Though I was terrified to hear several people I know had become sick, all of them are getting well. Weigh the fear of illness with belief in recovery.
Be grateful for all that you have. This may include not being sick yourself, that your loved ones are not sick, that you still have a job, that there is still food and toilet paper in your household. Practice naming out loud the things you are grateful for in this scary time. That’s another form of healthy behavior.
Hold compassion for yourself and others. We are all under an intense emotional strain. We need all the emotional resilience we can muster, and compassion for self and others is a great counterpoint to anger and irritation. If someone says to you via a video conference they’ve finished a huge part of their latest project, while you cannot even think straight, remind yourself some people cope by throwing themselves into their work and holding the world at bay. (Etymological trivia: this expression derives from a French expression for dogs holding quarry intended as prey…an apt expression to apply to fear of the coronavirus in my opinion.)
Use humor when you can to lighten the load. There are more and more cartoons and humorous videos available. I’ve posted several I enjoyed on my own Twitter feed.
Take in any small moments of joy. An unexpected conversation with a far distant relative; explaining to a three-year-old grandchild in the “why?” stage whatever they are genuinely curious about understanding; a sudden slant of light through distant treetops that warms your heart.
Notice that one day this pandemic will be over. Even though we don’t know how or when. It will be different for every one of us, depending on where we live and our own personal circumstances. But this, too, shall pass.

That’s all the advice I’ve got for now. If you are worried about your future and need someone to talk to, I am offering sessions on an as-needed basis at a reduced rate through May 31st.

Schedule your FREE appointment to discuss your needs by clicking on this calendar link or pasting this link into your browser: https://transitioningyourlife.coachesconsole.com/calendar/

If you want to read more about grieving your losses in terms of leaving academia, please go to this link to download a PPT presentation Moving On-Dealing with the Emotional Aspects of Leaving Academia or paste this link into your browser: https://www.transitioningyourlife.com/moving-on-dealing-with-the-emotional-aspects-of-leaving-academia/

Tags: attitude, grief, letting go