Big Changes

Photo by C.M Lima, Flickr 200820082509943131_09128befdf_z

I will be using some very small steps on May 24th this month as I walk down the aisle to marry my fiancée of one year. It will be nearly 2 years to the date that we met, and have we ever been through the changes! Big changes. Changes in lifestyle that have literally taken me 17 years to make.

You see, this is the first time in the 17 years since I became a widow that I have actually been in what you might consider a fully successful adult relationship with someone where we actually talked ourselves blue, in terms of who we really are in the world and what we really want in our lives. I really wanted to get married again: I’d had a good relationship (overall-everyone has their ups and downs) with my husband, but Rick really did not want to remarry, having left two previous marriages. He was afraid that the third time would be a strike-out leaving him too wounded to ever explore any relationship; I felt like the third time could be the charm, and his life would change for the better.

I am happy to say that last year on Memorial Day weekend he proposed to me aboard his boat, the Lady Joy, while anchored in Molasses Creek, complete with a vase of flowers and a bottle of wine. It was a memorable and joyful (excuse the pun!) day, and we were in that state of blissful obliviousness concerning the details to come. And did they ever come!

First, we had to make a decision about where to live: my house, his house or a new house? Looking over all our options, the strength of his roots in a particular neighborhood, and realizing the cost of real estate in our area for new homes, we decided to build on to his house. Want to test your relationship? Build an addition to one house while your partner is still living and working at another house across town over two rivers and 17 miles away. Every little choice that had to be made, I was making at the end of a long day, and usually in a state of near exhaustion. But instead of letting myself become overwhelmed by it all, I began to say to myself, “all I have to decide today is where to put the electrical sockets.” Or, “all I have to decide today is what color to paint the new upstairs office.” I began to refuse to make more than one big decision in the evening when I was too tired to think.

It took a little longer than we expected, but has anyone ever done an addition that did not? We had permitting issues with our town over the need to take out one dying oak tree that the town required be mitigated by planting three new oaks. The electricians put some wiring in wrong, and that led to all kinds of weirdness until it was found and corrected. We changed our minds about 100 times over whether or not to replace the old front windows to match the additional windows, and finally decided “the place is a mess now, why not get it over with and update the look of the whole (1964) place?” Bit by bit, project by project, decision by decision, the addition took shape, and there was now space for me to have my own office to continue my practice from a home base. On January 15, 2014 I finally made the move across town to my new permanent home.

No, I haven’t unpacked all the boxes, and no, I haven’t finished all the decorating I do want to do, and no, we haven’t even rehung all the pictures that came down with the paint jobs or added all of mine into the mix. But it feels like home with all my books unpacked in the office, and a space to work that has a lovely set of windows looking out over the creek.

So, now I am concentrating on the wedding. All the big stuff has been lined up: minister, church, parish hall for reception, caterer, photographer, electronic invitations, family discussions about who will stay where and how long they will stay. It is coming together, bit by bit. Rick and I are even taking dance lessons so that we can do the first waltz together. As klutzy as we are, and as little time as we have had to practice, I have no doubt that some guest will film it on their iPhone and send it to funniest home videos. But no matter. We are enjoying the process. And therein lies the key. Let go, enjoy the process, and remember the wisdom in the old joke, “How do you eat an elephant?” Answer: “One bite at a time!”

 

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