Photo by J. Berlin.

Now that we have come to the end of the semester at most colleges and our young people have processed through commencement  (including my youngest daughter!) on their way to life outside the school environment, a little common sense advice seems in order.  No matter where you work, or what you do, there are things you can control, and things you cannot.  It’s good to get a handle on the ones you cannot, so you do not spend unnecessary brain power and body energy stressing about them.  This also frees you up to handle the things that are actually within your own control and makes your life easier.

Here are five tips about what you cannot control, followed by what you can do:

1. Weather: There will be days when the weather dictates what you can and cannot do.  Storms ground airplanes, bridges wash out, and high winds knock out power lines. Frustration and anger aren’t going to change the outcome.  Do what you can to rearrange your schedule, then, let it go. Be prepared for the inevitable delays.  If you are traveling, take a good book, your laptop, and a charged cell phone, so that you can use those inevitable delays productively.

2. Traffic: Getting to work on time and ready to start the workday is certainly important, but sometimes even the best laid plans come to naught.  Your normal commute may be 45 minutes by bus or car, and you left your home base in plenty of time, but, whoops, there’s a wreck at a major intersection. It’s not going to help to sit in traffic fuming and spewing out obscene words.  Breathe, and let it go.  Besides, don’t you think the person involved in the wreck might be having a worse day than you are?

3. Equipment failure: From airlines to office equipment, it always seems that the machines break down when you most need them to work.  The copier gives out when you are running a 30 copies of a report due tomorrow; the computer suddenly boots you out of a document you had nearly perfected; the car refuses to start when you have exactly twenty minutes to get to an appointment.  Again, railing away at the machinery will not help.  Instead, choose how to handle the situation: is there someone you can call for help?  Another place to make copies?  Move your mind away from fear of the problem into creating a solution.  It’s more likely to get resolved, and you’ll feel better, too.

4. The economy: Yes, we are in a recession.  Yes, it may be hard to get the perfect job.  But, remember, everyone had to start somewhere.  There are still plenty of stories about people who started at the bottom and learned all there was to know and later became a leader in their field. In this day and age, it is estimated that the new college graduate will have 8-9 different jobs, and 4-5 different careers. Own your own labor, and your attitude toward it.  If you are happy with the work you have, happiness will spill over into other areas of your life.

5. Other people’s life choices: According to the US Department of Labor, work is the place we are most likely to actually interact with people of another race or culture in the globalized world. It is not going to help to criticize your colleagues about their choice of life partner, their culture, their parenting styles, their spending habits, or their work ethic. You are only in charge of you, your own attitudes, and beliefs. Listen and learn, understand what emotions may be behind the words, and make good choices for yourself with greater awareness.

One caveat: If you are working with someone you believe is doing something illegal, you want to either report the situation immediately to someone with higher authority, or get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

If you look at this list, the biggest commonality around what you can control is your own attitude.  It’s clear that this is something within anyone’s control, no matter where they are on the career path.

(Photo by M. Landells, 2010)

“The problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished,” said George Bernard Shaw. “We send from 100 to 300 messages a day [but] we hear only half of what is said to us, understand only half of that, believe only half of that, and remember only half of that,” writes Kathy Walker, Kansas State University.  That’s because 90% of our communication about emotions and relationships is done without words through speech, gestures, facial expressions, and posture.

Communication through speech is uniquely human. We have every communication tool you can think of at our fingertips today, using the internet for Sykpe, Twitter, Facebook and email, and still have difficulty truly communicating with each other.  Much of what we call communication today is actually a one-sided conversation.

Good communication takes place one interactive conversation at a time.

We need effective communication to share our thoughts, feelings, or ideas. If we are part of a company or an educational institution, we need to understand and share the mission of the organization to succeed. True communication is necessary for a diverse group of people to make good decisions for the future.

Here are five tips to help you communicate more effectively in any situation:

1. Identify the purpose of the conversation. Why were you having a conversation?  Were you expressing frustration or making a correction?  Or, were you trying to help instead? In What Got You Here Won’t Get You There (2007), Marshall Goldsmith suggests: “Judge less, help more.”

2. Listen with intention.  Listening with intention is also referred to as “active listening.” Give the person speaking your full attention. Concentrate on allowing them to speak without interruptions.

3. Acknowledge thoughts and feelings first. Emotions are fundamental to humans in making decisions, so they are a key component of communication.  If the emotions are not acknowledged, clear thinking may be blocked.

4. Test your interpretation. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand.  Try paraphrasing and reflecting back to the speaker using “I” statements such as, “I think you are frustrated with this situation.”

5. Deliver an effective message.  In a dialogue, the other side of listening is speaking. Whether you are the supervisor or the employee, it is necessary to agree on what the actual issue is before it can be addressed. This requires that you are clear about the outcome you want (that the project, book, or strategy document needs to be finished on time and on budget). Brainstorming options is essential here.

Effective communication is a learned skill that anyone can master. A true conversation involves both speaking AND listening. Healthy organizations and healthy relationships develop one conversation at a time.

Photo by D. Breezy (2010)

I turn away and shut the door, and on the stair
Wonder how many times I could have proved my worth
In something that all others understand or share…
–From Meditations In Time Of Civil War by William Butler Yeats (1923)

Five Actions to Promote Collegiality

Collegiality is on my mind this month.  Maybe because of all the vitriolic rhetoric we Americans are being subjected to on the nightly news. Or maybe because I know of two people turned down for tenure this spring whose academic record was sound, but reading between the lines, there was a judgment that the person had failed to be “collegial.”

Collegiality is simply the relationship between colleagues. Colleagues are those explicitly united in a common purpose. In a good department, colleagues respect each other’s abilities and have a sense of shared responsibilities, from teaching to providing public forums for students and faculty to share new research in their area of expertise.

A key component of success within the department and the higher education institution as a whole is the department chair. The chair can promote or impair collegiality.  Faculty members are people, too, and some are a delight to be around, and some are difficult, or as many psychologists like to say today, “challenging.” Promoting collegiality requires several components:

·       A willingness to find the middle (compromise) ground
·       A willingness to give and take, rather than engage in power struggles
·       Including all faculty in major decisions while de-emphasizing status differences
·       Sharing information, and clarifying performance expectations

A healthy department invites expression, exploration, inquiry, and mutual trust. On the other side, there are the dysfunctional departments where bad behavior is tolerated or brushed aside, and there goes real communication and true solutions to problems.

Jacqueline Waggoner, an assistant professor of education at the University of Portland, describes three types of  “difficult colleagues” in Teaching Careers: The people who think their needs are the most important, the bullies who have temper tantrums, and the conflict avoidant who make excuses and never get their assigned work done.   What’s a colleague to do?

Try these five actions:
1.     Model positive communication behavior, and do not allow anyone to get away with making negative statements about anyone else.  Focus the discussion on the topic at hand, not the individual.  Do not ignore hurtful comments: it leaves other people feeling unprotected. Worse, it provides tacit permission for the behavior to continue.
2.     Remember you can only control your own reactions, and not what someone else says.  Practice detachment, and try to see some value in the suggestions comments, even if your initial reaction is to disagree.  You may be surprised at the areas where you do actually agree on a solution.
3.     Decide how important this decision really is.  If it is a small decision, let it go.  If it’s a big one, it probably needs more time or information for consideration. Consider postponing the discussion.
4.     Keep your sense of humor.  Smile. Even better, laugh. This can both relieve tension and really put things in perspective.  It feels good and it’s good for you.
5.     Celebrate success. After a successful meeting or interaction, acknowledge it. Schedule a department lunch or happy hour just for fun, and make sure everyone feels welcome. It will allow you to know people outside of the professional situation, and foster understanding. This builds a solid relationship for facing the next difficult situation.

Need help promoting collegiality?
Contact me at:
CoachHillary
@www.TransitioningYourLife.com
to set up a 30-45 minute complimentary session.

As my free gift to you, go to my website to download my
Special Report: Visioning and Goal Setting.

Ask the Coach A free monthly group call is available through Stress and Success in Higher Education. If you would like to ask an acacemic coach a specific question, or would like 10-15 minutes of laser coaching on a specific topic, please register for the April 15th session by emailing:
CoachHillary
@www.TransitioningYourLife.com

If you found the information in this blog helpful, please forward it to your colleagues.

I did not know what to say,

my mouth

had no way

with names,

my eyes were blind,

and something started in my soul,

fever or forgotten wings,

and I made my own way,

deciphering the fire,

and I wrote that faint first line…

—excerpt from Pablo Neruda, Poetry

Finding Your Voice, Or, 10 Tips for Writing Projects

So, it’s February. In much of the north, it’s a cold, dark, wintry, doldrum kind of month. But it can also be a perfect time to stay inside and write. The weather isn’t tempting you to run outside and enjoy the park, take a bike ride, or play volleyball with your friends. It’s a quiet time. The perfect ambience for reflection, and to take a different kind of action.

1. Schedule it—then do it!

One of the things I say over and over to my clients is, “What gets scheduled is what gets done.” Ever notice how until you actually have the doctor’s appointment on your calendar with a date and time, it’s always floating around in the intentions fog of “I’ll get to it.” But once it’s on your calendar, your committed to following through. This doesn’t mean you have to set aside huge chunks of time. Just 15 minutes every single day with help keep you from losing momentum, and creating an unscalable mountain.

2. Start where you are—even if that happens to be the middle.

If a blank piece of paper or a blank computer screen scares you, try doodling key words, like “My findings…” “Research shows…” Get a picture that relates to your topic and start writing about that. Writing fiction? Get a baby name book and imagine who Rosalie really is. Chances are once you write something, and eliminate that blank space, the ideas will begin to flow. If you find yourself realizing that you don’t have all the information you need, just jot a note to one side about the resources you will look at later to find the answer to your question.

3. Try a different technique

Instead of writing, try recording your thoughts and then transcribing them later. You could even take a tape recorder and ‘talk-walkin,’ as my grandfather used to say. In this day of blue tooth telephone devices, no one is even going to look at you funny for talking outloud. But if you are embarassed to be seen doing this, try what another friend of mine does: he walks through a nearby graveyard and tells his stories to the denizens there.

4. Feeling stuck? Write in a different environment

Are there just too many distractions at home? Try checking yourself into a motel for a weekend if you need to make a big push to finish a project. If you are feeling isolated, take your writing to a local coffeeshop. Many coffee shops these days have places to plug in your laptops, and you may find it comforting to be surrounded by other people who are also working alone.

5. Celebrate when you finish a section.

It doesn’t matter how big or small your celebration is: if you get a three paragraphs done that you have been struggling with for three hours, maybe all you need is a coffee break as your reward. Or a quick walk around the block. But take the time to reward yourself so that it doesn’t seem like an never-ending slog through the slush. Maybe you deserve a big reward once that chapter is finished: make sure it’s something you like to do, whether going to the movies, taking a long hike, or just relaxing in front of the fire.

6. Treat writing like a day job: quit at the end of the day

If you spend all your time writing, and forget to get up from the computer, drink too much coffee, then find you can’t sleep at night for worrying and caffiene, you need to think about taking care of yourself better. Eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising, spending time out with friends will actually help you be more productive when you sit down to write.

7. Find an accountability partner

Whether it’s a friend who you tell what you are going to do day by day, or another writer, or a coach that will hold you accountable, it’s a lot harder to say, “I’ll do that another day,” when you know someone else is waiting for the output.

8. Stop the Critical Voices: Make New Tapes

Remind yourself, “Whose project is this anyway?” Ask, “What do I want to say to my audience?” The imagine an audience that supports you and loves what you have to say. All of us have those voices in our head that say, “This isn’t good enough,” or, “There is so much more to say.” That’s OK. Every time you write something you learn a little bit more about how to do it, and how to do it better. Replace those negative voices with positive ones: “This is good information;” or “I know this material better than anyone else;” or “This is my story and I’ll write it the way I want to write it.”

9. Picture the finished product

One of the easiest and most fun things to do with a writing project is imagine how it will look when it is finished. Picture your book on the shelf, or your name as an author in a journal article. Imagine how good you are going to feel.

10. Get therapy if you find deep-seated issues blocking you

“Writer’s block” can go good bit deeper than these techniques might suggest. If you find yourself regularly practicing avoidance as your modus operandi, there may be something deeper that is worth exploring. You won’t be the first, and you won’t be the last, person to confront the shadow side of themselves when faced with writing.

So, those are my tips to get you started on your writing project and simultaneously avoid those February blahs.

If you want to move your writing life forward and create new habits, please contact me at CoachHillary@www.TransitioningYourLife, or by visiting www.TransitioningYourLife.com to set up a 30-45 minute complimentary coaching session. As my free gift to you, to help you create your own vision quest, you can download my Special Report: Visioning and Goal Setting.

For those of you who would like to go further in exploring your own vision my mini-course, Your Personal Vision Quest: Manifesting Your Dreams Into Reality is now available for download. This self-paced six-part mini-course is only $37.00. Register at the Experts Insight Academy site here: http://eia.prfessor.com/course/764/register

If you know someone who you think might benefit from this newsletter, please feel free to pass it on!

On Resolutions and Planning

It’s the time of year when many people take a moment to look back, often with regrets, at what they failed to accomplish for their resolutions of the previous year and resolve (again) to do better.  I think it’s better to let go of the past, pronounce what’s done is done, and forget any regrets.  The root word, resolve means to come to a firm decision to do something.  Good enough as far as it goes, but it’s got a built in connotation that implies not getting something done is failing.

Why not plan to do something, and let go of resolve?

Change is built into planning.  Plans are meant to be altered.  Plans are what you do until the situation is different, and a new plan must be implemented.  Instead of beating yourself up, try examining what the little daily steps are you can take to move toward a goal, even when the goal-post gets shifted.

Just in case you are likely to procrastinate on even getting that plan started, here are a few simple tips:

• Make goals that are observable. As if you were an actor in your own movie, picture yourself doing something specific, like mailing out 5 complete job application packets.
• Be specific. Bite size goals are best: Not “organize my life,” but “throw away all outdated papers on top of my desk.” The beginning of a new year is a great time for this.
• Take small steps. Writing down a goal can help you get a more realistic timeline – sometimes longer than you guessed, other times shorter than you had feared.
• Keep in mind you are always at a choice point: When you cannot finish a project because you need more information, don’t give up.  This can be the difference between success and sabotage.  Say to yourself, “I choose to delay finishing this project until I get the information I need.”  Then, write down when you will work on getting the needed information on your calendar or into your time-line.
• Reward yourself! Many people procrastinate because they feel they deserve to suffer, to struggle, to stagnate. See yourself as the success you are trying to become.
• Remember: “It doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be done!” From thank you notes to lengthy memos to dissertations, it’s better to have a finished product than one that remains only in your head.

So, stop resolving and start planning.  Make 2010 your year that’s better than it’s ever been.
If you need help with following through on your own plans, please contact me, CoachHillary@TransitioningYourLife.com, to set up a complimentary 30-45 minute coaching session.

‘Tis the gift to be loved and that love to return,
‘Tis the gift to be taught and a richer gift to learn,
And when we expect of others what we try to live each day,
Then we’ll all live together and we’ll all learn to say:

When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,
‘Til by turning, turning we come round right.

—Second verse and refrain of ‘Tis a Gift to Be Simple,
written by Shaker Elder Joseph Brackett, Jr. in 1848.

For many cultures, the end of the year is a time to give gifts. But giving is only half of the equation. The other half is receiving. Have you ever spent time carefully selecting a gift and anticipating how the other person will respond when they get it, only to have them say something like, “I’ll wait till the special day to open it.” Because they are not open to receiving, you may feel disappointed or discounted. I have certainly had this experience. Because of it, I have tired to learn to be more graceful in accepting gifts, and often ask, “Would you like me to open this now?” It is amazing how many times the answer to that is “Yes.” And by opening the gift in the moment, and responding genuinely to it, you enhance the pleasure of the giver.

Gifts do not have to be things, either. In this incredibly busy holiday season, you might actually want to give a card that tells another of a service, entertainment, charity, or personal growth opportunity you have purchased in their name. Enjoy watching their reaction when they open the card instead of a package.  Some gift ideas include:

• Personal growth: Arrange dance, music, cooking, pottery lessons for a specified time period, like six months.
• Service: Provide gift certificates for a massage or time at a day spa for a stressed out friend.
• Entertainment: Buy gifts to a concert, play, movie, sporting event, or some other activity to help others find leisure time enjoyment.
• Charity: Donate to an organization you know is of particular interest, such as The Nature Conservancy to buy wilderness in perpetuity or Heifer International to buy bees, llamas, cows and water buffalos for communities in need.

These ideas are just to prime the pump of your own creative juices. You can give gifts that make a lasting positive impact, and can be enjoyed by both the giver and receiver, with the added advantage of not cluttering up the immediate environment with things you may not actually want.  At the end of the holiday season, you can take  pleasure in knowing you have given something of lasting value.

So remember this season, it is indeed a gift to be able to both give—and receive—with grace, as well as to learn and grow throughout our lives.

If you want to explore areas of your life where you feel the need to move beyond old habits, please contact me to set up a 30-45 minute complementary coaching session by visiting www.TransitioningYourLife.com

COURAGE

To speak ill of the world
Needs courage,
But fortunately or unfortunately
Everybody has that courage.
To love the world
As one’s own,
Very own,
Needs courage.
Unfortunately, most of us are wanting
In that courage.
The courage of the heart,
The courage of the soul
We badly need,
And not the courage
Of the unruly,
Aggressive,
Impure,
Demanding vital.
- Sri Chinmoy (1944-2007)

You have the courage within you to overcome any obstacle.

As Sri Chinmoy suggests, this is the courage of the heart and soul. With workers at every income level and every sector of the economy looking at a  “jobless recovery” to the current recession,  obstacles seem to exist at every turn. Fear can drive us to accept work and conditions we do not want, and may eventually leave us feeling stuck, undervalued, overworked and underlooked.

Being stuck is not necessarily a bad thing, if it makes you uncomfortable with your current situation.  If you begin to see staying in the same place is not going to move you in a direction you want to go in your life or your career, you may start believing that the unknown you fear is better than the place you are. Obstacles begin to look more like exciting challenges.

Courage is the quality that provides the motivation and fortitude to overcome any obstacle. It resides within the core of every human being. In fact, the root word is “couer,” the French word for “heart.”  Looking at your life and taking courageous action to change it takes a lot of heart!

When you move beyond an intellectual evaluation about the actions your are taking and begin committing to them because they produce the highest good for both yourself and others, you are being courageous.  When you decide that you need to change your career or your career direction, and you begin that process, you are being courageous. When you run up against barriers but keep pushing on because of a deep commitment, you are being courageous.

I am not suggesting this is easy.  There are countless stories out there about people who survived physical catastrophes against all odds.  Actor Christopher Reeve, best known for his role as Superman, was paralyzed and could not breathe without the help of a respirator after breaking his neck in a riding accident in Culpeper, VA in May 1995.  He went on to live an incredibly productive life from a wheelchair, and before he died wrote Still Me, a book chronicling his story.  He could have become bitter but instead he got active in promoting spinal cord injury research.  The bigger the barriers, the more courage is required to overcome them.

Be willing to reach deep into yourself for the heart to change.  And people will look at you and what you’ve done and say, “Wow.  That was courageous.”

If you want to explore areas of your life where you feel the need to begin taking courageous action, please contact me to set up a 30-45 minute complementary coaching session by visiting www.TransitioningYourLife.com.

And remember the old saying:  Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.